What Did You #%&@ Say?

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Blog Woman!!!

For about a millennium now it’s been said that kids say the darnedest things. I know this truth first-hand and I’ve kept a journal to capture a good number of eyebrow-raising, head-scratching and are-you-for-real statements that my son has spouted since he started spouting.

I’ve always encouraged free and open speech with him. I adore hearing what comes out of that new and unfettered brain. The only thing I have forbidden him to say is profanity. It’s not that I’ve pretended that swearing doesn’t happen; we’re all aware of its worldwide domination, thus he has in fact heard such a word or two in the homeland.

He has attempted to copy those words, but only once, (that I know of), OK, technically twice, but the second time was just a noun change. These happened when he was two and a half. We were on holiday and his dad was desperately searching our vehicle for the camera before the beautiful tall ships we were watching passed by. While he was frantically throwing items left and right, he yelped, “Where’s my f*#kin’ camera”? On our way home a couple of hours later, I noticed my son looking left and right. I asked him what was wrong and he asked, “Where’s my f*#kin’ camera”? To be fair, his toy camera did, in fact, appear to be a casualty of his father’s earlier desperation.

About two weeks later we were playing tea party and he came out of his room with most of his supplies except one. With hand on hip and grave consternation, he spoke. “Where’s my f*#kin’ teapot”? We had a little chat, and with a couple of follow-up check-ups, I have to say he’s been pretty good at finding alternative adverbs and adjectives ever since.

Actually, he became the Soup Nazi of swearing alternatives. This self-proclaimed lord of household language decency sometimes works his moral indignancy to a level that merits a good grounding. He believes he should be the decider of whether or not I’ve been appropriate in my usage. He also thinks that I’m not aware of just how much he is collecting in his swear jar, (the wretched vessel of confiscated loonies for every swear word caught). It has got to hold enough coin for the coveted MacBook by now. You’d think he’d lay off for a day.

Yes, OK, I can swear like a truck driver. Actually, I feel that analogy is an insult; I’m certain my stupendous ability could teach a truck driver a thing or two. I look at it like being an artist of abstract art who had to first prove that she can paint a real-life landscape before delving into free-flow style. My swearing is not a replacement for regular speaking skill, just occasional, as required, colorful enhancement. Certainly some days may need more color than others.

Also, as a public service announcement, I’m pretty sure I heard about a recent study that said four letter words help to alleviate pain. Think about that the next time you hammer your finger. No really, look it up.

OK, back to my son. What I’ve always told him is that this is adult language; he is free to swear when he is 18 or paying the bills, whichever comes first. No, I don’t really believe that he will never say a swear word again before he turns 18, but I’m pretty sure that he will have learned how to speak ‘real-life’ fluidly first. After that, if he wants to add a little color now and then, fine, but more importantly, maybe then I can earn some #*@kin’ coins back.

Can Somebody Else Take the Call?

Posted on August 17, 2013 by Blog Woman!!!

When charity hurts…

I’ve had to step back from all the social responsibility input I get from my social media lately. It is through these that I am most often reminded that we don’t have any shortage of needs for all of our peoples.

I have clicked the ‘like’ button for several sites of social causes and in return I receive several messages a day on what needs attention, awareness, fixing, improvements, money, assistance, care, input, management, volunteers, and uprisings of various degrees – pretty much constant pleas for pretty much everything I have to give.

So many calls for my pennies, my dollar a day, my only $35 a month automatic debit, my Canadian Tire money, my empty cans and bottles, and used household items – pick-up included.

They use the most affecting photos and film clips to grab my attention for their 2 minute plea, and hats off to their creators, they are very effective. (Must take notes for my charities).

The posts fly by so often and in such variety that being overwhelmed with a complete sense of helplessness and guilt can happen quite suddenly and deeply. I want to help them all. I wish I could help them all. I throw my hands up in prayer for them all.

I tell myself that we can only do what we can do, but even so, I have to work to regain my social care equilibrium. Take a break Mona. Whoa Nelly. Slow down Sally. I find myself clinging to the Starfish Story.

We can’t help everything even if we want to. We have to choose. Making those choices is hell sometimes, but oddly this is where sanity starts to come back for me. When I start to realize it doesn’t matter what I choose, it matters that I choose to help – period. Breath in, slow and easy.

Not being able to answer every call for help is not the same as ignoring them. That is someone else’s ringtone we’re hearing. I do believe they’ll get it. Exhale. In the end, I think we tend to gravitate to causes that answer a call to healing within ourselves, and then we move on from there.

We better all brace ourselves though. According to recent Costco displays, the really big season of giving is just around the corner. Sigh.

The Starfish Story (an adaptation of part of an essay, The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley)

Class, The ‘80s are Dead, & Now We’re All in the Service Industry

Posted on August 10, 2013 by Blog Woman!!!

What if your job was used as an example for what not to be when you grow up? Imagine that – your job served up as a warning for what you will end up if you don’t do well in school. This recently happened to a friend of mine. He didn’t hear this warning firsthand. The class that did was attended by his daughter. Now, imagine that.

It’s probable her teacher had best of intentions to motivate the students, and even my friend acknowledged that. He also said, good thing his daughter has thick skin, but even so, she felt compelled to apologize for the ignorance of others. As a parent, you would think about your child in that class at that moment, then you’d be taking measurement of your own skin depth.

People in – generally accepted as respectable- careers, might breathe a little sigh of relief at not having to deal with a situation like that. I don’t even have to mention his job because many will have already assessed whether or not they have one of ‘those’ jobs. Probably something menial, or in the service industry, right? I think on some level though, most would feel there is something not quite right about it all. Do unto others, etc.

It doesn’t matter what road we go down, ultimately whatever we work at is in service to someone else, and whether we are aware or not, we are also teaching. We will share our combined life experiences in some form or another, for better or worse.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about, after reflecting on my friend’s experience, is the idea of a simple shift in how we perceive and pursue success and the related esteems. Success definitions aside, there’s nothing wrong with shooting for the top or making top dollar, just that there could be more emphasis placed on important pursuits leading to that.

For performing our services, most want to earn respect, appreciation, and even admiration with our money. It’s hard to honestly earn good money without applying these qualities anyway. What if we started reaching for the stars from a place that sets aside aspects slavishly pursued in the 1980s like image, titles and the bottom line? What if we started our pursuit of work or career by thinking about those aspects that we care about as people regardless of role in our careers. Corporations spend billions on ways to humanize their images, to be relatable to people. What irony.

Could we make more of an effort to shift, and teach to shift, the perspective from what can we get out of life to what can we give? Could we consciously ask ourselves before we start our day, school, work or career directions by asking in what way(s) are we best suited to serve? What can I, what do I, give to the big picture? I wonder what kind of success levels as a society we would have then. It might sound lofty, but it really isn’t.

This isn’t simple idealism; it’s still about earning a buck and a decent living. The Real Housewives TV franchises will live, just wouldn’t it be nice if we could make them even less real than they already aren’t? We can still aspire to C.E.O lifestyles, but doing it with that simple shift in perspective changes the complexion of how we view status and value through titles and job types. It’s not what do we do, but how do we serve?

I think on some level we already know this as mostly true. No matter what title we achieve, what everyone really wants to know is how well, and what, were we able to contribute. We really care about the type of person we are, and who we’re working with. It’s how we want to be described when we die. If you need a touch of proof, watch an episode of Undercover Boss sometime.

Knowing even the little that I do about this, I’d still wager that the rewards for turning this table in society would be huge, including financially. It all begins with just a small change in thought. Imagine that.

At a minimum we could leave the examples of what not to be at drug dealers and crooks. And tofu hot dog makers. (Just kidding tofu people, some of my best friends are tofu hot dogs).

Click on picture to read note

Oh, about that example of what not to be? To start, he is an outstanding parent. For pay he works with staff and children, in a host of ways, every day of the school year. After that, his resume’ includes being an amazing photographer, a writer of beautiful poetry and witticisms, and an extensive world traveler.

He must also be a pretty successful service provider because one day he received this note on his work cart. Seems like outstanding achievement to me.

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give” Sir Winston Churchill

Yes, I am That Confident – Up Yours!

Posted on July 5, 2013 by Blog Woman!!!

“Well you can’t fix stupid either and you proved that”!! That intended insult was lobbed at me in a Facebook note about a year and a half ago. It was from someone who had at most a few superficial conversations with me and certainly no chat about the issue that was at hand at that time. Not that really knowing me, nor that person having full knowledge of the details then changes the bottom line.

I admit I was somewhat shocked at that charged-up energy coming at me. There are all kinds of ways to respond, but at the time I was more engrossed in the issue that precipitated the results of her research and it didn’t really register.

I re-read the post later and when I came across those words again, I actually ended up smiling. They reminded me of a personal motto that I used to say to people: “I hope I’m the dumbest one in the room”. In return I usually got a look like maybe they had just found her. What I really meant was that regardless of whatever activity or endeavor I was involved in, I wanted whomever else I was working with to be that much wiser, knowledgeable, and creative than me. I was sure that would get me the opportunity to learn something great, and hopefully a lot of it. Yes, I do know what that shot’s intention was, but I know myself well enough to be confident in what I may or may not be.

That exchange had interesting timing. Some friends and I had been having conversations about self- esteem, particularly in girls, and the often misinterpreted difference between assertiveness & confidence and self-centeredness & aggression. There are many examples of how these characteristics are practised, but in these chats we narrowed the issue down to the ability to stand up for oneself. It’s this point we felt that usually illustrates most of the differences between those two approaches.

We partially surmised that self-centredness starts with feeling some sense of entitlement or an innate belief that one can do no wrong. The world better be good to me first or the world is gonna hear about it. “Don’t confuse my personality and my attitude because my personality is ME and my attitude depends on YOU”. No one better cross me or else! Ohhh snap! Or – Oh snap!, snap!, snap!- if they are particularly perturbed. This is more of a passive/aggressive or aggressive/aggressive defensiveness beyond my Psych 101 capabilities, or more to the point, patience levels.

On the other hand, real confidence says I will be good to you and if you are unkind in return, I can walk away with my self-respect fully intact without having to bring you down a peg to accomplish that. I would add that that also exhibits dignity, not an unworthy effort and something I wish I could have attached myself to much earlier in life.

Confidence asks how does whatever this is really matter to my life or me? Most of the time, whatever it is doesn’t make a bit of difference to anything.

Confidence also includes the element of humbleness. It says sometimes I may be wrong, but that does not diminish that I am a good and decent person and I will fix what I can fix about it. By the way, the fixing action includes offering genuine apologies. I’ve also noticed that people who cannot apologize are masters at becoming the victim in all their stories.

Self-centredness mistakes the element of humbleness in confidence as weakness. That mistake is the weakness that truly exposes lack of self-esteem.

In the interest of full disclosure: some time after sending the note, my ‘insulter’s’ defense was that she responded to something that she interpreted as being negatively said about her. I did my best to reassure that this was far from the case, noting that the discussion in play wasn’t even about her. No matter, once her reaction was on the table for all to see, the never-intended reason became fact for her forever. One less Facebook friend. Too bad she didn’t take the minute to ask me about my intentions before she posted that over the top response.

Yes, it was interesting that that whole scenario played out right in the middle of those chats about confidence. I guess you could say that a couple of us learned more than we were expecting at the time. There is far more to the depth of these issues and their needs than I can, or care to, note here, but if you were to ask me what would I say in return to that hotly lobbed insult now? In short, up your self- esteem!

Yours truly,
Hopefully the Dumbest One in the Room

This SHOULD be Ancient History by Now! To the Thoughts Mostly Unspoken About First Nations

Posted on May 25, 2013 by Blog Woman!!!

I hadn’t intended to immediately write anything about the Indigenous after my previous post. I was leaning towards something funny. I was in the mood for a ha ha, but life interfered again. I’d since learned even more about what goes on within the politics of “Native” life. I know that I am far from the only one who was or is unaware of a lot of this information that is readily available, but rarely shared.

I received a great deal of positive comment and support on that ‘Half-Breed’ post, which I certainly appreciated. I was expecting at least one comment of dissension, if not an onslaught. Certain criticisms mean that there is still need for education, an opportunity to dispel a myth or two.

There was one critical thought, but it was given indirectly, written on the Facebook page of a mutual friend who had shared my story on his page. The comment didn’t bother me to any great degree, and I doubt that its writer was the only person who felt like he did or something similar. I’ve heard it said many times, that this topic just needs to go away. Actually, I can’t think of a group of people who would agree with that more than the people of Indigenous nations.

Response to post Half-Breed to Metis, My Return from a Savage Wilderness:

Anon.( for the sake of mutual friend): The bogus multicultural self-identifying that happens in this country is ridiculous, especially when it comes to the inheritors of the first nations. May 12 at 7:28am via mobile · Like

Then I recently read another blog that spoke to the Idle No More movement and Indigenous issues in general. Her first reply was from someone who took issue with her post.

Response to post “Idle No More”, by Blogger Anne Thériault, The Belle Jar:

Carlos: February 1, 2013 at 10:19 pm #

Let’s be real. There was no threat of Spence actually dying, what with all that fish broth she was consuming. No it’s not a full meal, but nutritious enough for her to survive. Also, just because the First Nations were here first does not preclude them from supporting themselves. How do you think that “the white people” survived when they got here? Exactly in the same way that the First Nations people did, hunting, fishing, gathering, and building their own shelters. The main difference is that the “white people” sought to advance and grow as a society, rather than try and piggy back on the work and efforts of others. There’s no reason why my tax dollars should go to fund the lives of those that do not have any motivation to work to support themselves, when the institutions that my tax dollars are SUPPOSED to go toward are so poorly underfunded. In all honesty, I have little sympathy for a group of people that have mismanaged the assistance has been given to them. Blogs like this that try to validate their claims of oppression absolutely drive me insane.

REPLY

Permit me to reply.

The lack of threat to Theresa Spence’s life notwithstanding, these are the kind of continual single-minded replies that completely ignore the actual facts and nuances of all the Indigenous issues as noted in Anne’s blog, and over all these many, many years.

Let’s break it down a bit. Let’s have a short look at some of the facts and nuances. To start, it’s fairly certain that most individuals and community bodies understand the enormous amount of work and time necessary to help people recover from abusive childhoods. I think few today wouldn’t understand that many abused kids may require treatment even for the rest of their life to regain a life worth living. Yet, despite the number of people who get that, there are too many with almost no understanding about how that same idea applies to the healing of the Indigenous . These are people dealing with the same kind of traumas -and so much more – applied to generation after generation of Indigenous families from birth to death.

A typical response to that is something like, “Hey, we’ve given you lots of money, you should all be better already”! Why not try such an easy fix, in general, with all abuse victims? I think most people agree that money alone does not solve everything. There are all kinds of needs in response to life-altering events that need attending to: physical and mental health, education, training, follow-up, and time. I also have to wonder what exactly is the correct designated time period to get over it and assimilate?

Moving on from that issue, how many people regardless of ancestry would be able to “advance and grow as a society” like the “white people” if they don’t have the same advantages of the “white people” like deciding who can work on, or even sell, their own lands?

How’s this for some facts, that are by far not the only like them on the books, that would raise havoc for the rest of Canada? (courtesy of Anne Thériault, The Belle Jar from CDN Dept. of Indian Affairs) :

“First Nations peoples have very little control over reserve land, and the Minister of Indian Affairs must approve any land sales or transfers.
First Nations people need to seek government approval for selling or bartering any crops, livestock and other products grown, reared or cultivated on reserve lands. (Add in minerals and oil too. There is far too much money in royalties and business taxes for the government to look at relinquishing them easily. I also wonder who benefits the most from those taxes and royalties? I wonder what the percentage of those taxes and royalties are paid back to the Natives in all those annual “handouts”?)
…if you’re an Indigenous Person, you’d better hope that the government doesn’t declare you to be “mentally incompetent”, as that means that the Minister can force you to sell, lease or mortgage your land as he sees fit.
Even a dead Indigenous person isn’t safe from the Minister; no wills drawn up on reserve lands are considered legally valid until the Minister approves them’.”

This kind of changes the overly accepted idea that the Indigenous simply chose the plan for a ‘welfare state’, doesn’t it? If you still think there is a privileged existence on those reservations, or as status Aboriginal peoples, why don’t you ask to live as one for a week and see if you still feel that way?

Why are the people who feel the contentions are only about ‘status,’ or some other unfair representation, unable to get the message that no, the playing field to a decent life is not even. Not even close. That is the crux of the issue. This is exacerbated by the fact that even many of the actual agreements, the Treaties, that were put in place have never been truly or fully honoured by the Canadian government. It is these sort of issues that are going to take a lot of work to work out, which is why it has still to be worked out even after all these hundred some years.

I’d also like the people who demand that no more of “their” tax dollars be spent on these issues to tell me exactly what they think they’ve actually lost personally. What exactly was their portion of ‘the wasted loss’? I’ll bet these guys also think that “Natives” don’t pay any taxes at all either. Better look that one up – because yes, we do.

As for all the mismanagement of funds by Band leaders, yes, there is room for improvement – with some bands, probably lots. However, name any sort of business, government department, or even charitable organization that hasn’t had some mismanagement issue, even without the ‘advantage of full government oversight as required by the Indian Act’.

Don’t even try to compare any of that band mismanagement, perceived or real, to the billions lost by the very governments that require oversight of the Native funds. Can you say $3.1 billion this year by the Harper government in one department alone? Or how about all those advanced and educated senators recently in the news who cheated on their expenses? Yes, interestingly, even one of them happened to be “Native”. We’ve come at least some way, baby.

It’s also convenient for some complainers to continually overlook all the Indigenous groups that are working damned hard to overcome overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable problems to uplift and change life for all. The point made about white society advancing and growing on its own seems to have missed the point entirely: that ‘the whites’ initially advanced and grew as a society on the backs, resources, and guidance of the Natives, and in many ways continue to so today. No, we wouldn’t say it was the sole way that society advanced, but that doesn’t negate the long, and again, continuing role of that fact.

So, I’m sure we can all agree that it really is too bad, even deplorable, that Indigenous issues are still an issue. These discussions should all be ancient history by now, but they’re not, and not because of some simple inconvenience like the Indigenous simply wanting to “piggy back on the work and efforts of others”. In order to speak to such a large overall issue, one needs to have a far larger view and a handle on all of the facts and history.

Personally, I am very happy to know that there are plenty of people willing, able, working to get able, and actually working on this. If we want an issue to go away, the first step to being of any useful help is learning just what the problem is. So, instead of opinions based on reactions to headlines or chats, why not try to really learn about the subject? Who knows, maybe then, even we all could help.

Thanks to the Belle Jar blogsite for the Idle No More commentary, and the May 24, 2013 post in the Winnipeg Free Press on Native business partnerships with conventional industries.

http://bellejarblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/26/idle-no-more/#comments

DULCE ET DECORUM: http://noraloreto.ca/the-indian-act-in-plain-english/

May 24, 2013 post in the Winnipeg Free Press on Native business partnerships with conventional industries.

First Nations Business Partnerships Exploding

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/opinion/analysis/Industry-First-Nations-partnerships-exploding-204351481.html