Fruit Flies Right Up the Spinning Spam

fly 3About a year ago, I took a short break from deep thoughts and posted a short recommendation on how to rid your home of the scourge of fruit flies. For a short spin on homespun remedies (with a touch of evil fun), it did okay on the stats pages.  It apparently also served to attract another ubiquitous pest.

A few published posts later, I found I had a blogging spam folder, and it was filled with hundreds of messages.  Apparently spam is quite fruitful and multiplies like uh, flies.  Of course, I had to go through them to double-check that a real message wasn’t lost.  Hey, I love my readers!  However, by the time I was done, I was ready to eat fruit flies on toast; pretty much anything tastes better on toast, except Vegemite, and maybe tofu.

fly 3As I perused and deleted, I noticed most of them were attached to only a few posts:  any of the linked blogging awards I’d received from fellow writers;  my story called,  “Our Home and Native Braves”, which I figured was more vulnerable because it was also published on the Readers Digest website; and that fruit fly message.

Girl Vacuum WineBecause the point of that post was a mundane chore, it made the comments about it seem even more insane absurd, which actually, made getting through that overwhelming task much easier. I could have worked at it with  bottles a glass of wine, but that likely would have drawn out the experience and have me thinking about fruit fly appetizers more seriously.  So instead, I spent the rest of the time imagining the comments were real and sent by genuinely impressed fans.

In that vein, (employ imaginations now), I share with you some of the excited messages of joy for learning about how to get rid of fruit flies:

I am sure this piece of writing has touched all the internet viewers, its really really fastidious article.

May I simply say what a comfort to find somebody who really understands what they’re discussing over the internet. You definitely realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important.

More and more people ought to look at this and understand this side of your story. It’s surprising you aren’t more popular because you most certainly possess the gift.

Wow, this article is good, my sister is analyzing these things, therefore I am going to tell her.

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you.

“Magnificent publish, very informative. I wonder why the opposite specialists of this sector don’t understand this. You must continue your writing. I’m sure, you have a huge readers’ base already.

Pretty! This was an incredibly wonderful post.

Hi there, You’ve done a great job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally suggest to my friends.  I’m sure they will be benefited from this site.

fly 3My personal favorites:

Good post however , I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this subject? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Thank you!

Its like you learn my thoughts! You seem to grasp a lot about this, like you wrote the ebook in it or something.

You need to be a part of a contest for one of the greatest sites on the net.  I am going to highly recommend this site!

Now that I know I have contributed so deeply and meaningfully to society, my work here is done.  At least until after I finish celebrating this auspicious new year in my life on this day.

‘Til next week or so, you have wonderful days too, friends.

RL

Motherly Insights Include How to Control Children With a Jalapeño

Because I really enjoyed this. Because I couldn’t come up with anything better. Because I took the weekend off and threw Mother’s Day over to a man.

I turn over the controls to one of my favorite humorists and a great pal who managed to make me laugh and cringe at memories of my own mammilla disasters.  I give you:

Ned Hickson’s – Motherly Insights Include How to Control Children With a Jalapeño

http://nedhickson.com/2014/05/06/motherly-insights-include-how-to-control-children-with-a-jalapeno/

mom jalapenoThis year perhaps more than any other, my wife deserves something special for Mother’s Day. That’s because in spite of our youngest daughter’s many pre-pubescent mood swings, my wife has somehow managed to avoid what I’m sure has been a strong (some might even say natural) urge to eat her young. This hasn’t been easy. As I mentioned, our daughter is experiencing the physical and emotional challenges that accompany adolescence. One minute she is merrily talking about her favorite kind of cheese; the next minute, she is blaming cheese for ruining her life. As a father, my instinct is to fix the problem by addressing the root of the issue by going directly to the refrigerator and throwing out everything that is — or has the potential of becoming — a cheese-like substance.

My wife, on the other hand, understands there are complex emotional issues at work, and that, in spite of my good intentions, the likelihood of me being able to resolve such issues is akin to having a bomb successfully de-activated by a goat. Thanks to her motherly intuition, my wife was able to explain to me that what our daughter says, and what she really means, are two completely different things.

As I understand it, this is the first step to becoming a woman.

Being a man, I am no stranger to this concept.

However, I was in denial when it came to my daughter. Mostly because I didn’t want to admit that she is growing up; time is slipping away. And that, in just a couple of years, my wife and daughter will probably be sharing the same PMS cycle.

Though I kept this realization to myself, it was clear that my wife’s insightfulness is something that only comes with motherhood. It’s a bond that starts during that first nine months, when mother and child reach a special understanding that if baby doesn’t stop using mommy’s bladder for step aerobics, mommy will eat a raw jalapeno. In this way, even before birth, a child learns Mom will endure physical or emotional discomfort if it means providing a valuable life lesson; because that’s what Moms do best.

Endure.

If you don’t believe me, then I have two words for you: Breast Pump. True, not every mother utilized this torture device, but the mere thought that she could have is reason enough for a child to be respectful. If you’re in doubt, go right now to the nearest full-service car wash, attach an industrial car vacuum nozzle to one of your mammilla, push the on button, and keep it there until a) your chest resembles a deflated balloon animal, or b) someone calls the police.

And calling the police on yourself doesn’t count.

You will quickly realize just one of the many things a mother endures for the sake of her child’s wellbeing and why, if it were up to fathers to provide breast milk to the human species, we’d all be nursed by monkeys.

So this year, I plan to do something special for my wife; something to let her know how much I appreciate all that she does as a mother.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The fact is, I haven’t been able to think straight since that whole car vacuum incident. In hindsight, I never would have taken my shirt off if I knew my wife had that many quarters.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media CorporationHis first book, Humor at the Speed of Lifeis available from Port Hole PublicationsAmazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

Facebook – A Kvetch on FB Narcissism

I love Facebook.  It’s a fantastic and ingenious way to keep in touch with all whom I care to.  Maybe sometimes I love it too much. Sometimes I get carried away with sharing too many funny pictures or causing an occasional mini-flood of commentary updates on my favorite causes. I somewhat apologize my friends, I meant no harm.  I was maybe naïve about how many would be on my same mental page on those days.

I used to wonder - read minds

I have learned however, how to be a little more judicious in my postings, thanks in part to one of those funny comment posts I recently saw that made me laugh, then pause.

Mostly I learned because of  experience.  By experience, I’m talking about being on the receiving end of those contacts that post personal messages of self-love on an average basis of approximately 1EP/2M.  That would be one effusive post per every two minutes.  Oh, you know the ones I speak of.  They love, love, love their life, their children, their jobs, their hobbies.  They love every minute of every aspect of their lives so much that the rest of us couldn’t possibly know what it is like to live like that. We couldn’t possibly love our own kids like that, or enjoy our own vacations that way, or be happy with an achievement anywhere near the upper spheres that only they can inhabit.

No, I’m not overly concerned about offending anyone, because the guilty would never see this in themselves anyway.  And, don’t misunderstand me either.  I am merely kvetching, not indicting the guilty as ‘bad people’.  So far, no laws have been enacted to illegalize such behavior, but be warned, I sense a movement brewing.

In the interest of generous fairness, I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that they forget that everyone can see what is posted and maybe they mean for only their parents and in-laws to see all.  Although, it makes me wonder if the parents and in-laws are as enthralled as the rest of us at some point.

The side effect to all of this that I do find unfortunate is that, in an effort to not appear to be ‘that’ kind of post-er, the people that I really want to hear from post even less.  Hmmm, or is that really because of me?  Feel free to let me know friends.

For the record, I love seeing the things that make my friends, new and not so new, tick.  I like to see what makes them laugh. I really do enjoy the hilarious ‘what we did this weekend’ pictures. I love hearing what kids have managed to accomplish, I love to see the pictures of joy posted from all over the world.  I freely admit my life is far from overly glamorous or exciting.  I must live vicariously.  Or is that creepingly?

If I were able to say something to the overly effusive, it might be OK, we get it, you love your life, and that’s really quite wonderful, now how about filling the newsfeed with a comment about someone else now and then, or maybe we could go on a break.

Fair warning to my other friends though, I’m likely to have some more of those – you have got to see this, and this, and this – days.  Please don’t ‘hate’ me for it.  I suppose you could just re-categorize me in your friend lists.

Now, if only Facebook could stop making my simple ‘likes’ into a full blown post on my friend’s newsfeeds. For that, I plead not guilty.

RL