Because I really enjoyed this. Because I couldn’t come up with anything better. Because I took the weekend off and threw Mother’s Day over to a man.
I turn over the controls to one of my favorite humorists and a great pal who managed to make me laugh and cringe at memories of my own mammilla disasters. I give you:
Ned Hickson’s – Motherly Insights Include How to Control Children With a Jalapeño
This year perhaps more than any other, my wife deserves something special for Mother’s Day. That’s because in spite of our youngest daughter’s many pre-pubescent mood swings, my wife has somehow managed to avoid what I’m sure has been a strong (some might even say natural) urge to eat her young. This hasn’t been easy. As I mentioned, our daughter is experiencing the physical and emotional challenges that accompany adolescence. One minute she is merrily talking about her favorite kind of cheese; the next minute, she is blaming cheese for ruining her life. As a father, my instinct is to fix the problem by addressing the root of the issue by going directly to the refrigerator and throwing out everything that is — or has the potential of becoming — a cheese-like substance.
My wife, on the other hand, understands there are complex emotional issues at work, and that, in spite of my good intentions, the likelihood of me being able to resolve such issues is akin to having a bomb successfully de-activated by a goat. Thanks to her motherly intuition, my wife was able to explain to me that what our daughter says, and what she really means, are two completely different things.
As I understand it, this is the first step to becoming a woman.
Being a man, I am no stranger to this concept.
However, I was in denial when it came to my daughter. Mostly because I didn’t want to admit that she is growing up; time is slipping away. And that, in just a couple of years, my wife and daughter will probably be sharing the same PMS cycle.
Though I kept this realization to myself, it was clear that my wife’s insightfulness is something that only comes with motherhood. It’s a bond that starts during that first nine months, when mother and child reach a special understanding that if baby doesn’t stop using mommy’s bladder for step aerobics, mommy will eat a raw jalapeno. In this way, even before birth, a child learns Mom will endure physical or emotional discomfort if it means providing a valuable life lesson; because that’s what Moms do best.
If you don’t believe me, then I have two words for you: Breast Pump. True, not every mother utilized this torture device, but the mere thought that she could have is reason enough for a child to be respectful. If you’re in doubt, go right now to the nearest full-service car wash, attach an industrial car vacuum nozzle to one of your mammilla, push the on button, and keep it there until a) your chest resembles a deflated balloon animal, or b) someone calls the police.
And calling the police on yourself doesn’t count.
You will quickly realize just one of the many things a mother endures for the sake of her child’s wellbeing and why, if it were up to fathers to provide breast milk to the human species, we’d all be nursed by monkeys.
So this year, I plan to do something special for my wife; something to let her know how much I appreciate all that she does as a mother.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The fact is, I haven’t been able to think straight since that whole car vacuum incident. In hindsight, I never would have taken my shirt off if I knew my wife had that many quarters.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)