Fruit Flies Right Up the Spinning Spam

Posted on July 7, 2014 by Blog Woman!!!

About a year ago, I took a short break from deep thoughts and posted a short recommendation on how to rid your home of the scourge of fruit flies. For a short spin on homespun remedies (with a touch of evil fun), it did okay on the stats pages. It apparently also served to attract another ubiquitous pest.

A few published posts later, I found I had a blogging spam folder, and it was filled with hundreds of messages. Apparently spam is quite fruitful and multiplies like uh, flies. Of course, I had to go through them to double-check that a real message wasn’t lost. Hey, I love my readers! However, by the time I was done, I was ready to eat fruit flies on toast; pretty much anything tastes better on toast, except Vegemite, and maybe tofu.

As I perused and deleted, I noticed most of them were attached to only a few posts: any of the linked blogging awards I’d received from fellow writers; my story called, “Our Home and Native Braves”, which I figured was more vulnerable because it was also published on the Readers Digest website; and that fruit fly message.

Because the point of that post was a mundane chore, it made the comments about it seem even more insane absurd, which actually, made getting through that overwhelming task much easier. I could have worked at it with bottles a glass of wine, but that likely would have drawn out the experience and have me thinking about fruit fly appetizers more seriously. So instead, I spent the rest of the time imagining the comments were real and sent by genuinely impressed fans.

In that vein, (employ imaginations now), I share with you some of the excited messages of joy for learning about how to get rid of fruit flies:

I am sure this piece of writing has touched all the internet viewers, its really really fastidious article.

May I simply say what a comfort to find somebody who really understands what they’re discussing over the internet. You definitely realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important.

More and more people ought to look at this and understand this side of your story. It’s surprising you aren’t more popular because you most certainly possess the gift.

Wow, this article is good, my sister is analyzing these things, therefore I am going to tell her.

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you.

“Magnificent publish, very informative. I wonder why the opposite specialists of this sector don’t understand this. You must continue your writing. I’m sure, you have a huge readers’ base already.

Pretty! This was an incredibly wonderful post.

Hi there, You’ve done a great job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally suggest to my friends. I’m sure they will be benefited from this site.

My personal favorites:

Good post however , I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this subject? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Thank you!

Its like you learn my thoughts! You seem to grasp a lot about this, like you wrote the ebook in it or something.

You need to be a part of a contest for one of the greatest sites on the net. I am going to highly recommend this site!

Now that I know I have contributed so deeply and meaningfully to society, my work here is done. At least until after I finish celebrating this auspicious new year in my life on this day.

‘Til next week or so, you have wonderful days too, friends.

Chagrin in Silk …….. (Weekly Writing Challenge: Fifty Words Max.)

Posted on April 13, 2014 by Blog Woman!!!

The dermatologist worked for weeks to clear up the not so bad, but embarrassing acne. It would not do, to not put her best face forward at the party.

She arrived in a beautiful blouse with three eye-catching cutouts in the back, a perfect frame for the spectacular fiery pimple.

A short creative writing challenge to write a story in exactly 50 words. This one is a mostly true nightmare that I’d witnessed. Seemed metaphorical for all kinds of teachable moments. 😉

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/fifty/

Party Prep is Not For the Weak, And Friends Lie

Posted on January 4, 2014 by Blog Woman!!!

A simple click on the pic will let you see them.

Hell hath no fury like the eyes of a host expecting guests. They see EVER-Y-THING EVER-Y-WHERE. They flood the entire house with the damning light of the unclean. Condemned is the rosy glow of procrastination that normally allows one to see cobwebs as merely billowing indoor clouds – just a step closer to communing with nature really.

I am acutely struck by those evil eyes mostly on an annual basis, when I host a gathering in the New Year. I love finally being able to get together with many friends and bask in their good humor and kinship. They are wonderful, wonderful people, but they LIE. They LIE like my (dog hair-covered) front door rug.

Normally, my day-to-day entails apologizing for my clutter, and my other typical landfill mounds. In reply, my friends say things like, “Oh we never have time to clean either, or who cares about a clean house, there’s so much more to life that is far more important”. A credo I actually believe in; a credo that I know I honestly uphold – alone.

All these able members of the Liars Club have homes ready for a photo shoot in B H and G at the drop of a paper towel. Pop in on them, regardless of the time of day or day of the week, and you’ll be invited in to have a chat and sit on pristine seats atop the shiniest floors in the universe. These are the real reflected lights in the sky at night.

I cringe at every realization that I could rarely, to never, reciprocate that invitation. I am the queen of doorstep conversation. “Hey, how’d you like to have a seat on that outside chair right there, on the outside of the house, and I’ll get us a drink for here, outside”. I wonder if they notice? Of course they do. Then they go home and re-shine their floors just to spite me.

So, while the thought floats gently through my screams dreams that it really could be interesting to hold a front yard party in early January Canada, I grudgingly accept that I‘d never get the grass raked in time. Thus, I rush to appease these eyes of damnation. I fly from one end of the house to the other with cleanser and polish to head off any possible ugh! moment for a guest.

As I work through all that anticipatory contact, I spy something odd, even for me. Wait…is that… plum pudding on the blinds??!! But, but we didn’t have plum pudding this year. Oh my God. OK kids, new goal: Clean all the dirt that guests might recognize from last year!

While we’re scrambling to meet new achievements, I picture my friends discussing their impending visit to my mess O’ horrors:

“Um, so, Robyn’s invitation has arrived again…. And? Well, she is our friend so let’s try our best to enjoy this as much as possible while looking only directly into each other’s eyes”.
“Well, this year I’m putting the hazmat suit on under my clothes. There is no way I’ll be able to smile this year while I feel a glob of plum pudding stuck to my thigh”.
“OK, let’s re-do our plan from last year to drink as much as possible to get through the mess evening and maybe even to…. forget”.
“Hey, maybe we can invite her out next year”.

Hey! I’ve been invited out three times this year. Was that…. ? Stop it! Go test the martini potency, and then get back to work!

Somehow, in the midst of these mental meanderings and the frantic efforts of Thing 1 and Thing 2 (me and child), the house started to resemble something like the original intentions of the architect.

Eventually we got to an understanding. Actually, more like simple resignation – what will be, will be. Whatever else we may spy gets a quick kick under the couch. The rest of the prep plan is fairly simple – take off the apron, smooth down the hair, and do a sock check for dog hair on the baseboards. Last, but not least, turn down the lights and light up the candles. Nothing says, what spot on the wall? like mood lighting.

Then I will employ the ultimate mood lightener – martinis. I’ll take their coats with one hand, and plop a glass in their hand in one smooth motion. I’ll keep the pitcher handy and refill often. Non-drinkers will get over-stuffed with plenty of fresh plum pudding. Even if they do notice a spot on the wall at some point, the odds are pretty good that they won’t care. At least not until next year’s invitation arrives.

Cheers to livin’ la vida loca 2014.

Thanks Bloggers, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!

Posted on November 21, 2013 by Blog Woman!!!

Arrrrgh! I am falling behind in my own writing and I can’t get up. It’s entirely your fault! Yes you, you fellow bloggers. I have been catching up on your writing. I follow a great number of blogs, but only because a great many of you are great writers!

I frantically flip through the humorists while scarfing down my favorite yogurt and fruit in the morning. You are funny as hell, by the way. I read the short fiction stories while I scarf down a quick lunch – wow, if only I had half of that creativity. While contemplating my son’s requests for later bed times and higher allowance, I read the thoughtful musings on everything from parenting to how we view ourselves, to what really burns someone’s butt. Thanks for the respective reassurances, great ideas, and food for thought. It goes on and on from there, and I stand transfixed while dinner burns.

I wonder if I’ve fallen into some kind of wordy Alice trap – navigating through mazes and mazes of great advice, ideas, creativity and interesting and thought provoking opinions and situations. I think I should be inspired by all of this, but I somehow come away feeling — empty. My mind is the storied black hole. Am I intimidated too much by so much goodness? Have I morphed from a ‘journaling’ addict to a comparative reading junkie?

So much to see, so much to learn, and I know I still have opinions and thoughts of my own aplenty. I just don’t seem to be able to string them into a reasonable string of sentences that will eventually make a point.

WordPress itself tries to help me with all their daily great suggestions and writing tip prompts. Great ideas WP and I will get to those, maybe right after I catch just this latest post from Ned. And You’ve Been Hooked, and Twisted Sifter, and Gotta Find A Home…. Arrrrghh….

So, uh, anyone got any good tips?