Monday Mirth; ‘Cause You Can’t Think That Hard On Vacation

Is it me, or are holidays as much work as regular ‘ol days? Before I’m reminded that compared to real life problems, this isn’t one of them, let me state – I know, I know. It’s just a little kvetching – I’ll blame it on the climate changing heat, but the planning, the supplies round-up, the prep, then the actual execution to get to that intended utopia – ugh!

I’d thought I’d laze by the water and let the whirlwinds of the last few months recede from my mind like a raft in meditation on a barely conscious flowing river, unleashing my creativity in rapturous waves and thus I would finally finish a script due approximately three weeks ago. Nope. (Sorry, boss).

So, here I am, once again dumped into the realm of life that throws me into the pursuit of the most simple of pleasures – memes! What I get, is what you get 😀 …

I wonder if this make-up is available online? There’s a couple people I’d like to try it on.
Seems pretty clear to me…
Did it take you as long to clue in as I did?
Jurassic Park; Madagascar version. The fear is real.
Don’t you? Don’t you, Don’t you?!
Bad boy, bad boy, what you gonna do when they come for you? Also, it’s OK to reduce a little of the sunscreen.
Fire up the bar-b; that catch ain’t gonna sear itself
This is a friggin’ steal for Majestic Ass!
I fear this is still me.
That moment when you realize you would have been way better off to just offer a Majestic Ass biscuit.

That’s all she wrote this holiday, folks. Stay hydrated, wear reasonable sunscreen, dance in moonlight, or whatever the hell it takes to enjoy any part of this latest summer…


…And I’ll get back to the script soon, boss. Just as soon as I finish packing up all the necessities for the beach.

RL

Party Prep is Not For the Weak, And Friends Lie

maxine tip 2

A simple click on the pic will let you see them.

Hell hath no fury like the eyes of a host expecting guests.  They see EVER-Y-THING EVER-Y-WHERE.  They flood the entire house with the damning light of the unclean.  Condemned is the rosy glow of procrastination that normally allows one to see cobwebs as merely billowing indoor clouds – just a step closer to communing with nature really.

I am acutely struck by those evil eyes mostly on an annual basis, when I host a gathering in the New Year.  I love finally being able to get together with many friends and bask in their good humor and kinship. They are wonderful, wonderful people, but they LIE.  They LIE like my (dog hair-covered) front door rug.

maxine dusting hintNormally, my day-to-day entails apologizing for my clutter, and my other typical landfill mounds.  In reply, my friends say things like, “Oh we never have time to clean either, or who cares about a clean house, there’s so much more to life that is far more important”.  A credo I actually believe in; a credo that I know I honestly uphold – alone.

All these able members of the Liars Club have homes ready for a photo shoot in B H and G at the drop of a paper towel.   Pop in on them, regardless of the time of day or day of the week, and you’ll be invited in to have a chat and sit on pristine seats atop the shiniest floors in the universe. These are the real shining lights in the sky at night. 

Maxine Super Bowl tipI cringe at every realization that I could rarely, to never, reciprocate that invitation.  I am the queen of doorstep conversation.  “Hey, how’d you like to have a seat on that outside chair right there, on the outside of the house, and I’ll get us a drink for here, outside”.  I wonder if they notice?   Of course they do.  Then they go home and re-shine their floors just to spite me.

So, while the thought floats gently through my screams dreams that it really could be interesting to hold a front yard party in early January Canada, I grudgingly accept that I‘d never get the grass raked in time.  Thus, I rush to appease these eyes of damnation.  I fly from one end of the house to the other with cleanser and polish to head off any possible ugh! moment for a guest. 

As I work through all that anticipatory contact, I spy something odd, even for me. Wait…is that… plum pudding on the blinds??!!  But, but we didn’t have plum pudding this year.  Oh my God.  OK kids, new goal:  Clean all the dirt that guests might recognize from last year!

While we’re scrambling to meet new achievements, I picture my friends discussing their impending visit to my mess O’ horrors: 

  • “Um, so, Robyn’s invitation has arrived again…. And?  Well, she is our friend so let’s try our best to enjoy this as much as possible while looking only directly into each other’s eyes”.
  •  “Well, this year I’m putting the hazmat suit on under my clothes.  There is no way I’ll be able to smile this year while I feel a glob of plum pudding stuck to my thigh”.
  • “OK, let’s re-do our plan from last year to drink as much as possible to get through the mess evening and maybe even to…. forget”.
  • “Hey, maybe we can invite her out next year”.

Hey!  I’ve been invited out three times this year.  Was that…. ?  Stop it! Go test the martini potency, and then get back to work!

Somehow, in the midst of these mental meanderings and the frantic efforts of Thing 1 and Thing 2  (me and child), the house started to resemble something like the original intentions of the architect.

Maxine-On-CleaningEventually we got to an understanding.  Actually, more like simple resignation – what will be, will be. Whatever else we may spy gets a quick kick under the couch.  The rest of the prep plan is fairly simple – take off the apron, smooth down the hair, and do a sock check for dog hair on the baseboards. Last, but not least, turn down the lights and light up the candles.  Nothing says, what spot on the wall? like mood lighting. 

Then I will employ the ultimate mood lightener  – martinis.  I’ll take their coats with one hand, and plop a glass in their hand in one smooth motion.  I’ll keep the pitcher handy and refill often. Non-drinkers will get over-stuffed with plenty of fresh plum pudding. Even if they do notice a spot on the wall at some point, the odds are pretty good that they won’t care.  At least not until next year’s invitation arrives.  

Cheers to livin’ la vida loca 2014.

RL

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas Was Not UPS and FEDEX

ups GrinchUPS and FEDEX committed heinous crimes against Christmas tradition for some families, and the aftermath of it makes me somewhat disheartened and fairly disgusted.

 So many families had their Christmases ‘ruined’ by the lack of their packages arriving in time for Christmas morning.  I watched some of these poor folks on the TV news.  There they were, some spitting out their anger and dismay in almost purple garland rage, while others tried so valiantly to hold onto their sobs and emotion while choking out the horrible details about the lack of Christmas for them this year.  Still others cried outright, tears flowing in sheer bitterness.  All of this played out on screens across the continent, actually internationally.

Only moments earlier I watched how thousands of people had no heat or lights for the last six days because of snow and ice storms that hit the Eastern Seaboard in an actual bitter way, which incidentally was also part of the reason for some of the late deliveries.

People were looking for any spot of warmth, while police were going door to door to make sure seniors who live alone were safe, or even still alive.  People were describing how they were sleeping in layers of winter clothing, and some were putting new winter camping gear fully to the test inside their homes.  I wonder what they’d think about the hardship of those poor people inconvenienced by the overloaded late efforts of two package shipping companies?

 Even with that thought aside, I really had to wonder what the reporters were thinking as they recorded the trials of these belatedly gifted. I really had to wonder why these people were celebrating December 25th to begin with.  Apparently their day really is only about the packaging.

How could they, so completely, have missed knowing that the only thing of value truly lacking was the point of Christmas?

 RL

 Happy 2014 and much success to all.  Thank you for being a part of my blogging family.