103 People Unfriended Her, How Many Would Do the Same to Me

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freshly-pressed-rectangleI came across a Huffington post about a woman who posted pictures of herself on her Facebook wall that caused a collapse in her social circle.  The headline said “When Beth Posted These Images on Facebook, 103 People Unfriended Her”.   

The headline effectively grabbed my attention, but what the story really did was zero in on the heart of one of my own deepest fears.  It cut to a deep vulnerability that even I don’t fully understand, but it’s one that has held me back from engaging as fully in life as I possibly could.  I can’t do that until I can somehow get to a place of true peace about it.

canvas-scars-e1402024284679The pictures that Beth Whaanga, the woman in the Huffington piece, posted were semi-nude images of herself featuring her scars from a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy.  They were taken by a photographer leading a project called, “Under the Red Dress”. It endeavors to share a pictorial story to inform and support anyone who has or may be affected by breast cancer.

I found the project a beautiful and amazing effort and I applaud Beth’s astonishing courage. It was those 103 friends though, that stayed with me longer than the point of her story.  They represented the maybe 103 reasons I have an issue of my own.  Like Beth, my body has been criss–crossed with several large and deep scars, not from cancer, but another serious chronic issue. I find despite my confidence in life generally, I haven’t yet been able to re-gain confidence about this new reality of my own image.

I know some of my friends might be surprised to hear this, but maybe not a few who knew me from long ago when I was more carefree in my pre-health issue, pre-pregnancy and pre-surgical body.  I received plenty of positive attention back then, and I am sure that, despite all equality efforts to move past this, I won some business benefits because of my appearance.  Looks matter.

In seeming contradiction to what I’m saying so far, I do have a full life, in large part because of those scars.  My priorities absolutely honed in on family, community, purpose(s), and I do live to serve as best as I am able, but.  But.

  •  But now there are tremendous differences in my body and there’s not much I can do about it without the resources that I might employ if I had them.
  • But now I don’t know how to dress in ways that are really about highlighting my best, and not hiding the changed stage starring scars that come through the fabric.
  • But I have no idea how many more scars will be added.
  • But I don’t want anyone to see them. Hey, when even your loved ones grimace….
  • But what if I really like someone and then….?  How many of the 103 are on my path?
  • But what if I’m not enough for someone to see past them?
  • But, what kind of person would be attracted to this? Ugh! What kind of person would be attracted to this?

Cripes, I didn’t even want to tell anyone I had them, and now that I have, it’s still safe to say that there will be no pole-dancing in my future.

Yes, I know I am not my scars.  That, on the surface of it, considering that I have been able to claim at least 4 of my 9 lives, this shouldn’t even be a factor in my world.  I’ve been told to wear my scars proudly, as the badges of (literal & figurative) survival. Truth be told, I would say the same to someone else.  So then, why aren’t I able to do that for me?  Why can I stand up for Beth, but not me?

I’m one of those people who believe that there are no real coincidences and that I was meant to see this story.  It compelled me to review myself again and honestly and directly confront the part of me that holds me back from feeling whole again.  I believe in my whole spirit, but I haven’t yet worked out how to truly infuse that into my life experience.  I know that next to that, one new step is allowing me to entertain the idea of another relationship. (Yes, girlfriends and parents, I know you think the time for a new man is overdue, but…).

In the end, I have to live with myself, and I find that hard enough in some of the ways I’ve shown.  I’m not sure if I will ever live with someone else again, but if I decide that’s for me, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to get to that place of peace first.

So there, I’ve said it out loud. Sort of.  Maybe this note is about just getting to honest acknowledgement that this is real for me and the real me.  Perhaps the scars are a step in my overall purpose. Maybe someday I will be as brave as Beth – not for  pictures, but in her confident acceptance.  I don’t have the answers yet, but I hope to one day.  This is a story written mid-struggle.  For now, the only thing about life that I’m certain about is it’s uncertainty, – and how much I love my boy.

RL

392 thoughts on “103 People Unfriended Her, How Many Would Do the Same to Me”

  8. I have to admit, I’ve seen the headline, and have avoided this topic. Your title finally made me give it a click. I am blogger. I am a leader in the fashion industry. One I see hope in, when changed for the better from the inside – my dream is to change the focus of beauty to something that looks a little more like “wow, that woman/man is so beautiful, their beauty is really shining through them – they are a picture of positivity, vibrancy, and health”. I tire of seeing the lancing and slaying people to do each other and the lengths they go to in order to change their appearance to one that won’t get criticized “as much” (I think focusing and participating in that way of thinking simply causes that kind of ugly to spread like a cancer).

    That being said, the idea of visible scars causing so many to turn away is terrifying to me, and I’m literally in tears at the bravery of women in the blogosphere for speaking out about it. I know deep pain, but you can’t see mine. It can make one want to hide under the covers, wondering if your scars were on the outside – what would people think? Many things are never said or shared this way because of the ugliness of experience and raw feeling and what verbalizing those wounds could do to your circle of support – oftentimes so very fragile. I believe the only way to fight this is to dig deep and know who you *are* FIRST, and to freakin’ love those things about you. regardless of what people may say or do or think. The only thing any of us is truly in control of is ourselves, and that should be our focus – not on the negative mutterings and utterings of others.

    Another thing I’ve been learning on my journey, is how meditating on the old adage “smile, and the world smiles with you, frown and the world turns away” is a lot deeper of a cliche’ than one might think. The thing that gets me up in the morning is this idea that beauty really does come from the inside first. We’ve all seen someone we’ve thought was an attractive person open their mouths and negativity comes spewing out and it totally ruins the physical effect, but this always inevitably comes from a place of fear, hurt and insecurity on the other persons’ heart. Instead of a hug they draw their swords and slay with words, or hide and turn away – shields up. We cannot put hurt or blame on those who turn away, nor can we give away our power and give into the fear that is based on and take it within ourselves, further propagating that hurt place. We are strong and beautiful from our scars – inside and out. I think we should love those and have understanding for those that turned away because they are not ready yet to face the fear they feel when being faced with a very real and physical representation of another human’s pain and suffering. It’s like a mirror being held up to themselves that they simply cannot bear to face yet. I have come from a place like that, and I am blessed to be just a bit further on my path and have learned that the best I can do with my time on this earth is to love. And to quote something from the Spirit Science guys of facebook: “know when to slay (defend), when to hold up the shield, when to give a hug – and when to run the f$%^ away!”. youtube: “spirit science: pair o dime shift first movie” that quote is in there somewhere, and really inspired me.

    Thank you for your bravery.

    Amanda

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    • Thank you so much for your candid and thoughtful comment here Amanda. I am especially interested because of your vocation. “Ugly” can be defined in myriad ways in the fashion industry and the level of judgement seems especially harsh. I am impressed that you are in that environment and yet have a great handle on what is beauty on a deeper level. You would have to have a strength quite solid to achieve that.
      I think there is a period of adjustment for people like me, who have to accept a new normal and move forward. These discussions and comments have been so good for my own journey. People who are willing to join in probably don’t have any idea how much they contribute to someone moving ahead, nor might they realize what it has done for themselves too.
      Thank you so much for your own kindness in this Amanda.

      Robyn

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      • I had to fall all the way down to a place where I felt I was nothing. I was in a terrifying place of fear in a relationship based on fear I was terrified to leave it. Fear controlled me and every thought. To the point where I and then others’ even questioned my very sanity. (I’m quite sane, thanks lol) And boy was I negative. About myself, and everything and everyone around me. I got back up. I started with three things I knew about myself that I liked. I wrote .them on a mirror. I got strong through that – and having one person who “placed themselves in my corner”. If they make you feel terrible all the time, walk away, turn the page. You can’t finish the story if you keep re-reading the pages you were already at. I stopped looking out at people seeing me through a funhouse mirror and really looked at who I was, and there really were a few things I liked about me. I got strong (I was so so so physically ill as well) through just being positive and loving people who were both farther than me on their path, and those who weren’t where I was yet. It’s a process, and takes practice, and forgiveness, moving on, and the discipline to do that all the time. People often like to see strength and try to knock it down too. That just makes me stronger. But it didn’t happen over night. It isn’t easy. But nothing is more worth it.

        I believe in your strength, and so do the people who commented here. You’ll find it. It’s in there. I’m attracted to my industry, because I think I can change a negative to a positive… and use something people/women especially have used to slay themselves and others into a real and true thing of sharing, connectedness, and beauty (from the inside out) ten times stronger than it ever was as a tool of fear, envy, and other-ness.

        I love how you comment to everyone. How wonderful 🙂
        Love yourself 🙂
        Amanda

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  11. Reblogged this on moxie supper and commented:
    I realize I come to this late, but how persuasive this is! —thank you so much for posting! –my scars (repaired head following a rupture of an aneurysm) wouldn’t photograph nearly as well, but this is absolutely essential! –remnants of what’s left after cancerous consumption! –cancer is very hungry, and these pictures are a way of also feeding!, eating what’s necessary to survive even better! –I applaud this! –I guess I too fear some unfriending, for many =, many reasons, (some probably deserved, but not all of it; “life” has happened to me also, and I too continue, some form of me continues, ply form there will ever be –ie: this is the fem from which changes will be made! –I’ll not rein just as I am, changing by the minute, going on to I can’t say what for sure, but traveling nevertheless… and often happy, often grateful that I can still travel at all! –feeding on whatever becomes available. Tanks for posting this Blog Woman!

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  12. Blog Woman, I realize that I’m reiterating much of what has been said, but this is just a wonderful post! I suppose that I don’t want to be “unfriended” either, and certainly not for changes in my body! –unavoidable, I feel, just be living to certain ages! –id=s not “change” a way and “rule” of existence?

    I don’t have scars that are as visible as Beth’s; mine are much more invisible (scar from a ruptured aneurysm; indentation on my head [that was bumpy anyway]), and the blindness, legal blindness, in my left eye due to optic neuritis due to MS –scars inside my body; not outside), and also scars from a c-section performed for the birth of my only biological child –old scar still visible from when I fell off a bike and breaking a glass jug of milk –still have scars above my knees from that, and emotional scars after a divorce after forty years when I was a teenager, who did a best that she could, becoming pregnant after a rape when I was just fifteen, rapist was an older man, 25 when I was fifteen. I had a third trimester abortion –after that rapist refused to ever speak to me again,,, I was left silent and frigid –“symptoms” the man I married vow to cure –at first, of course, I didn’t want him to touch me, but eventually I overcame that –I was still in high school, and stopped speaking altogether –should I be unfriended for this?

    –not that Facebook “friends” are “friends” in any other context, but they’re still called “friends” –and seems to me that carries some responsibilities. What would it take for me to “unfriend” someone? –Maybe I’d do this to escape more parts of high school, a regrettably tim of my life –the ruptured aneurysm purged my brain of quite a bit of short term memory keeping –I’m not yet as bold as Beth (though I did “like” her page, and am following it) –I can’t yet state what I’m saying and feeling (don’t quite have the “Moxie”, I suppose; but I can’t yet state what I have to say without the protection of (prerry much “rapist-free) physical space –I do indeed remain hungry –perhaps just for a chance to live those years again, and do things I didnt do, and so things I did differently –your post Blog Woman, has enables me to say this! –thank you so much…

    But friending and unfriending has become so easy –as it is for liking and unliking things –strange that there are no other options…

    So many forms of scars! –your post is a form of scab! –healing occurring underneath! –healing occurring! Really, really is!

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    • Hello, there is so much said here, I’m not sure what to reply to first. You have an amazing story with so much survival enlisted. I can only say you must have one heck of a strong spirit. I like the way you have categorized the post as a scab. I think this is a brilliant analogy. I felt facing my fear and even self revulsion was a step forward. Certainly all this talk about it has brought so much out and it continues to move the process along. I don’t have a clue what the end result will be, but for now, these talks are so meaningful for many reasons.
      Thank you so much for sharing your own story and thoughts.

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      • Thank you so much for this reply. How could you have a clue about the end result? “Survive” is often all that we can do, and often just surviving is its own form of defiance! Thanks for calling my story “amazing” Healing” is indeed occurring underneath, sometimes buried so deeply below the scab, that locating the “healing” gets obscured, but as there’s a “scab”, you know Taft healing is under it, and I’ve day the scab will come off; the healed area may be different, altered coloring, different pattern of wrinkles –the area will be marked, and that’s good! –a location from which to measure progress. Thank you again for taking the time to reply to my comments.

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  13. Blog Woman I read you faithfully but somehow I missed this post. I’m glad that I did, or I may have missed all the wonderful discussion that followed. One thing that struck me was second to last bullet: “What if I’m not enough for someone to see past them.” I think many of the comments spring off of that single line.

    Without sounding like Saturday Nite Live’s Stuart Smalley, I think you ARE enough for the right person/people. I think of it like a colander, dump the people, comments, etc into it and sieve out the assholes. The people that stay in the top of the colander deserve to be in your life. There may not be many, but they are the people that (oh no, she didn’t just go all Zen on me) that make relationships you nourish. Thank you for your blog.

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    • Jaye – thank you so much for this. I also happen to like the Jaye version of Stuart Smalley quite a bit. This has been quite a trip, this little road of truth I threw out for who knows all the reasons? I was so nervous at first, but when I started to get the responses that came, I started to think that maybe I needed to trust in my own belief that there are far more decent people than not. I can’t say I’m all the way there yet, but I’m getting there, I think.
      Thank you so very much for your faithful following, but especially for your kindness and support in this.
      So glad you came by.
      Robyn

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  14. Blog Woman,this is a beautiful and honest post, with skillful writing and a deep dive into yourself, and for that, I salute your courage. Thank you. I would like to reblog this.

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  17. Common sense isn’t common. Was it ever? Maybe not, but modern technology has made possible a wider range of stupidity than ever before. Facebook presents grand opportunities for a variety of unhealthy behaviors. I sat on a murder trial last year where a thoughtless post by the victim became a primary link in the escalating chain of events that led to her death. I’ve seen “othering” material forwarded on FB that was as deliberately divisive as anything I’ve seen from WWII to the present day.

    “Facebook friend,” if not an oxymoron, comes perilously close.

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    • Hi Jeff – that’s one hell of an illustration on the perils of what you can put out on Facebook. Although, I think that’s a risk for anything that’s made public. On the other hand, the dark side of FB is that it is a really easy way to throw out any kind of garbage one is inclined to incite with. Luckily, it’s a rare occurrence on my newsfeed. The people on my friend’s list are those I actually know decently well. Thanks for your visit!

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  18. I too have a mastectomy scar and as of this year, a scar from where I had a metal plate put into my arm and now a scar from a heart valve replacement. Looking in the mirror is not fun. However, as I am older and longtime married, my mirror image is not high on my list of concerns. I am very sympathetic to your worries.

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    • Hello Jean – thank you for your understanding. It should be enough that we have survived at all, but how we muddy that up with concerns that could change so much needlessly. I have been comforted though by the people who have come here and shared their stories and viewpoints. They’ve given me hope that there are as many or more people who know what is important in attributes than those types like the 103. I appreciate your visit.
      Robyn

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  19. For that! I am adding her on facebook and sharing her story even more. Giving her a 104 reasons to be proud of who she is.i applaude her.bless

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  20. Pingback: Dude, where’s my blog tour? Oh, right — it’s at #mywritingprocess | Ned's Blog

  21. Hi Blog Woman!!!, superficial scars on the outside, or scars on the inside? Both are difficult to deal with. None of us, unless we are 24 and gorgeous are able to share these easily. But I am sure, (as this is a myth that I haven’t been able to verify yet, even within families), that real love, would allow the other person to love everything, every part, scar and cell good or bad. Maybe one day, and with great patience we will all experience that joy. Interesting subject…

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    • Thank you dayold, for taking the time to read my story and for your wise and kind words. I share your thoughtful hope that maybe one day we will all share that experience of loving joy. It’s also great and interesting to get a male perspective. Thanks again, for sharing that. Cheers.

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  23. I wasn’t following you when this was posted so I just saw it now. This was a very good post. I read the article and the pictures are hard to look at, though she is still beautiful. Or is the beauty I see the bravery of her soul? No matter, she is brave and those 103 were not true friends.

    I only know you from the words you’ve posted on your blog. From those words I like and respect you. Obvious to someone like me any scars you may have wouldn’t change any opinion of you, perhaps only increase our empathy of you as a human being. I’m sure those who really know and love you wouldn’t love you any less if you did something like this photo shoot. I wouldn’t if it was a loved one of mine. Would I be embarrassed? Of course! Would my opinion change? Well, after the embarrassment I think my respect would grow.

    Anyway, after all of the time since this has been posted and featured on Freshly Pressed I’m sure you feel you don’t want to be defined by this one post, no matter how good it was and how much of a chord it struck.

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