Category Archives: Coping

The Question That Changed My Entire Life

Posted on by
12

I was twenty-nine and about to enter my second mid-life crisis, (the first one was at twenty-one – but that’s another story). As I took stock of my life I knew I was free-falling into the stereotypical void of meaninglessness.  My world was focused on making money and projecting the right image.

At the time I was working in the finance industry as a finance broker; it left a lot to be desired in the soul side of life.  While I enjoyed the benefits of decent pay, and a closet full of great shoes, it didn’t fill much in the fulfillment soles. (Ya see what I did there?)

How things looked was a top priority for the industry goals. It was fairly regularly preached that the need to look successful was imperative. The required image included  job title, personal appearance, home, and contacts.

I remember one well-meaning colleague seriously imploring me to buy a car that was, at a minimum, the oldest model of a Mercedes that I could afford rather than a brand new Toyota.  That was far more conducive to achieving that highly desired image.  Pointing out the obvious differences in comfort levels for me netted a baleful stare of incredulous disbelief in my sanity.  That was pretty much as deep as life was.

Falling Girl, by Scott Sona Snibbe

It was about that time that I really started to question the point of life and my purpose within it.  Not long after, I came across a magazine article that lit an inner spark.  Considering the importance it was to play in my life, I can’t believe the title escapes me. Anyway, it was about the question, the one that literally began the turn-over of  my life:

“When you die, what do you want people to say about you at the service”?

I sat back and sifted through all the tributes I could remember.  The ones that I recalled most were those folks who were spoken about with great respect and even reverence for what they gave to the world, and the grace with which they lived.  That’s how I wanted to be remembered too.

Then the next sentence simply said, “Now go make those words real”.

It gave me immediate focus.  What I at least realized then, was that what I wanted to be became less important than what kind of person did I want to be. It was a general goal, but it offered seemingly thousands of possibilities. A huge weight of dejection was replaced with a huge light of hope.

It led me to know that I had finally found my soul, but I was in an industry that didn’t have one.  I knew it would soon be time to move on. My questions of how were answered as my perception and approaches evolved. Many opportunities came my way as a result.

My eventual path started, and startled, with a variety of unexpected voluntary roles from ambulance attendant (never saw that coming),  to board director for policing support. I got the chance to write for pay, and eventually, ran a fundraising foundation for a regional cancer research and treatment centre  (worst job ever, but that’s another story).

The point is that it doesn’t matter where you start from, you only need to change how you see things. Look inward and around at what you have at hand.  Be thankful for at least that much, then look for ways that it can be used to help someone or something else – especially at those times when you feel least able. I can only ask you to trust me on that, but it would be more useful for you to try it once or twice.

I’ve seen it start out in simple ways like the guy finally able to say the words, “I was wrong”, and another who started a food bank drive at the company she worked for.

I can see it being things like starting a business or charity to help whatever need in your heart, or a finance industry that encourages genuine savings by offering genuinely decent saving account interest rates.  It’s never too late to change direction, after all, all it is, is changing your mind about what you need.

R.I.P. Me

R.I.P. becomes Live more in Peace

How do we want to be remembered?  The advice was simple, on the face of it, but the results took me to wondrous places that I had no idea I wanted to be. It’s a bit scary for me to try to imagine now what my world might have been if I hadn’t had that magazine intervention.

One last word on this advice, a meaningful life isn’t perfect either – far from it.  The only perfect expectation is embracing the knowledge that our best work is about giving the best we have at the moment.

So think about your end for a bit, and then go live up to your service.  Works for me so far. Usually.

RL

Written in reply to the WordPress weekly writing challenge: What’s the best, or worst, piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/28/weekly-writing-challenge-dear-abby/

The Bandwidth of Pain

Posted on by
26

Whose Story Will Be the Worst?

Pain Profile 2

We all have a story to tell, I search for yours to better understand mine.

We all have a story that waits to be heard.   No matter how uplifting or how dire the tale may seem, we all have known pain and we’ve all known joy.  We like to mostly brag about the joyful things in life and to show off, a little, all the good we have.  It’s good to say my happiness in life is good, and maybe even a little special.

On the other hand, how odd and strange is it that we sometimes take great pains to take measure of the pain of others too? To judge whose suffering is worse or not, or even worthy?  Are we really special because of the ways we have been subjected to pain?

Regardless of our circumstances, richer or poorer, surrounded by many or none, we encounter the same range of emotions from various ranges of circumstances.  It is only the circumstances that cause us to judge what pain level is necessary, appropriate or even merited, as though some of us may have got away with something.

Some of us have had been abandoned as children, some only temporarily, but even so both groups will share those first moments of realization that they had been left behind on purpose.

Some of us have been told our bodies hold disease with early fatal outcomes.  Some will die, and some will have some amazing intervention that continues life, but what real difference was there in their feelings when they were first told that news?

Some of us have lost loved ones from sudden tragedies, lingering illnesses, and even family disputes.  Is the pain from these losses so significantly different?  Do we miss one more?

Whether we burn our hand on a match or a hot coffee, or lose our only key to the car, or if our laptop gets smashed, or we lose our last dollar, deeply or nor not, there isn’t any shortage of situations where life will shoot shards of feeling through us until we scramble for ways to cope and/or beg for escape.

The moments of aches and heartbreak may not rise from the exact same stories, but really there is only so much bandwidth for feelings.  How we feel them varies in degrees according to our natures and of course the circumstances, but short of incapacitation or an early death, we will all experience the range in some way in our lifetimes.

No one really, should feel like they are the only ones to feel what they have, not for the sake of comfort in a ‘misery loves company’ kind of way, but hopefully at a minimum, to share compassion that comforts.

Ideally, we would grow to focus on our commonalities and heal together. Our shared stories are guides to solutions.  It is the stories of how and how well we overcame pain that really says who we are.

Everybody’s story deserves to be heard; only some of us get that benefit, especially if we speak or write in public forums.  When we tell our stories, we think they are only our own, but I have to wonder, when we do tell them, how many of our seven billion people are we really speaking for?

 RL