19 Women and A Guy Had a Chat In 27 Sentences and 50 Shades of Black & White…

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A couple of years ago I wrote about a voracious online predator who tracked vulnerable blogging women and the aftermath of his being found out.  I cautioned then about the need to use extra care when interacting with people we really do not know.

A group I encountered recently schooled me in how easy it can be for people of any openness to be used by someone online.  It doesn’t matter how street-savvy or educated one is, if someone is trawling for someone to fill whatever needs, they will find a way to the heart of your matters.

They will find the route to your trust. They work only to find the one(s) who will say yes to their invitations in trust that will further win your heart and other supplemental prizes like boob pics or even Skype sex. Not every friend of this friend went so far, but the fact of the matter is, betrayal on any level, as these women experienced is bitterly painful.

The methods and motives of these people vary, but I believe the one for the man I write about here, while a person of many sides & talents, is a social predator and unable to build a real life of any meaning.

They couldn’t have found a more sincere and kind supporter.  Why would they think otherwise?  His words were so soft, so deeply kind, and so well designed to flatter and draw in comradery as quickly as possible.

He spoke to their vulnerabilities and oh, how vulnerabilities long for understanding and care. Without a doubt, you’ll never find a more tender and understanding soul.

They’d all heard them…those loving words of admiration he’d wrapped their hearts in; verbal ribbons of plush velvet, colored with 50 light hues of shady.  27 interchangeable lines for each woman of the hour:

I am in love with your mind.
I  love your heart.
Love yer shit! You’re brilliant!
I just fell in love with you.
You really are a talented / funny / intelligent / inspirational bugga, arentcha!
Oooh, you’ve got them legs / eyes / smiles.
Do you have an email address?
Do you Skype?
Would you like to chat privately sometime?

Of course, he told them it was just to share ideas and thoughts about life in general… not anything inappropriate… after all, he is a married man.

Still, it won’t be long before he initiates chat about the sad state of affairs in his relationship(s), and then soon after he will seek commiseration along with their sympathy and most certainly, will want details of any distress within their own worlds. He’d say, as a former counselor, he’d be happy to work through that with you.

If I could do anything, I’d be there.
I’d do anything to save you.
*wipes away a tear*
Six feet whatever & 2 hundred blah pounds of protective love & hugs comin’ to you.
What’s his name?  Send me his address, I’ll have a word with him for you.
You deserve so much more…
You’re so strong, I so admire that …
You seem to know me so well…You’re the only one who really gets me.
You’re a hottie! Spunk rat!

Oh, how he does seek and then loves the protective sympathy that he so easily sweet-talks out of his followers. He only has to mirror it back and the game is sealed for this made-to-order knight.

You are a ‘chooser of the slain’,  the long awaited savior of we depleted warriors,
(Specific to those with surgical scarring)
You are beautiful…an artist,  a muse…
You are so wise & sweet…I love that.
You’re not a blogger! You are a writer!
I love you, < insert 19 or more women’s names >
I miss you, < insert 19 or more women’s names >
You’re such a special lady – legend!
You ‘have to’ come visit me; we’ll show you the time of your life, & I’ll even pay for your ticket.

Say yes to all that or similar and you’re in for an absolute full-time, hours per day, obsession –  unless you question him. Then that charm blows up at nuke level and you’re yesterday’s news before it’s even printed.

Interestingly, no man received the same level of support or invitations.  No variation of those statements was made to any male writer he followed.  Just a lot of, “Hey man, good stuff”.

I suppose one mind can come up with only so many lines for the same sorts of honeyed support, hence the repetition. That’s the least these women could concede, when they learned how, out in the real world, they weren’t so special after all.

Oh sure, he could say in his defense, which he did, that it was their own replies that gave him permission to carry on to where they went. That he did mean those things, just to different degrees.  Of course, one has to wonder who got which degree, and they did.

Well, he had to play it safe. It’s a delicate balancing act isn’t it?  Even if his hands were currently full with one or more, he’d still have to endeavor to hold onto the others at a safe distance. Just in case any of those in hand should drop off.

The feminine power he relies on to exist isn’t much different from how a car needs petrol to run, so a re-filling station is necessity. Note that he didn’t approve of his closest also having their own male variety servicing centres. Wonder what that was about?

Of the known 19, only a small few will stick around, insistent that they can heal his twisted heart because their own hearts are just that much deeper than the others.  They really are the real saviors of this poor, beleaguered, wannabe Norse seafarer.

After all… he said so.

True story.

RL

Shortly after this story was published, a group confronted this man and wanted to share his replies, which were decidedly less heroic than what he normally hailed to the public. More in line with the type of men he’d claimed to want to protect them from.  I chose not to publish the copies.
30 RED Flags of Manipulative People
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/03/the-secret-language-of-narcissists-how-abusers-manipulate-their-victims/
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For the average personality, here’s a great guide to supplement your gut checks on whether or not your online convos are appropriate:  When Does Flirting Become Cheating? 9 Red Flags

22 thoughts on “19 Women and A Guy Had a Chat In 27 Sentences and 50 Shades of Black & White…”

  2. It’s very hard nowadays to know who you can really trust, as what seems is not always true. What looks like charming is often not charming at all. It requires trusting your senses, being stable centred in yourself. Even then you can be fooled, but you recognise at an early stage . And mind you, the problem is as important as the response, – in any given situation in life. I jus answering this with a broader with a view to a broader context, – if you don’t mind, Kind regards,Paul

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    • Thank you so much for your view, Paul. I agree with you, that we must keep checking our instincts all along our contact, because I can honestly say that previously in situations like this, I had red flags raise up and at various times, i may have chosen to ignore them for the more immediate thrill of the attention. Hopefully, we learn more than not as times go by.
      Thanks so much for your visit too. I have quite a number of very interesting followers in Aussie land and they are wonderful contacts.
      -Robyn

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  4. Terrific piece, Robyn, and an area that I was pretty oblivious to until a few months ago while watching a similar situation blow up peripherally. The Internet is a microcosm of reality; the relationships we enter into can be great, and so can the risk of entering into something detrimental. Predators can project the illiusion better and for a longer period than they can in person. Bottom line? Treat online “relationships” like holding a puppy with diarrhea — with affection held at arms length…

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    • Thanks, Ned. I think before my conversations with some of these women, and getting a good firsthand sense of how it happens, I might have had less sympathy. It’s been a real eye-opener for me. As I mentioned to someone else, if you have even a half-way decent heart it really wouldn’t take too much to be deceived in these circumstances, and yes, if there’s no actual face to face, it’s awfully hard to get a real feel for who you think you know… and even then… Well, I guess we can only mostly hope for the best and that our instincts kick in with some experience.
      Great to see you, and thanks again.

      P.S. LOVE your advice on how to treat unmet on-liners… hahaha… but oh so true! Arf.

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  5. Another great, informative piece, Robyn! Sadly, online or offline, this type of manipulation is all too common, but more difficult to detect when the communication is only virtual. Nevertheless, the harm is all too real.

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    • Thanks so much, Jill. Even I’m a bit amazed at what the fates have thrown my way over just a few months…
      Yes, I agree, pain is a difficult walk whether its attached to something you’ve actually encountered or was something you only believed in and lost.

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  7. Thanks again for being able to come back, but just with one comment.

    Internet relationships are impossible and should be treated with a pinch of salt.

    However, good internet “connections”, – like I encounter at times, can be good when your share things based on both value and meaning.

    Too much prejudice based on one experience is not good. You may realise” this was an error” and you move on.

    When you search for a relationship on internet you can get easily betrayed, if you search for proper connections, your intuition works best when you are not too much personal involved. The last which is the case with “connections”. The last prove themselves in the way they last and if they don’t last its fine as change is part of life.

    Some do last. I have connections lasting already 5 or more years and every time we come back it’s fine.

    But there is a saying and this is when you get fooled once you make sure you don’t get fooled twice. But this happens in real life as well. You can get ripped of by your garage, your travel agent and many others. You can be ripped off by a partner, cheated by either your husband or your wife.

    But internet has never been aimed for so called internet relationships as they are fake, neither based on reality or the nature of relationships.

    Sure, if your partner, wife or husband goes overseas for business, you trust the relationship and you can email or text each other.

    But it is foolish to engage in an internet relationship as it rarely works out, it is rarely viable.

    But like you can have many friends, you may have many email connections.

    Apart from lots of evil going around in this world, there is much hidden goodness as well, – not always enough explored.

    Just a remark more in the positive I hope!

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  8. I know this isn’t a new post, but it was new to me when I stumbled across it this morning. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and perhaps you’ll forgive me for coming late to the party.

    This opens up something of a Pandora’s Box, not only for women who blog, but also for men, with myself being among the latter.

    I write a lot and I read a lot, and among the blogs I read, many — most, in fact — were written by women. I haven’t done a formal study, but if I had to guess, I’d say that the blogging community is dominated by women.

    Perhaps without meaning to, this post makes me feel a little bit dirty for having ever complimented a woman blogger for writing something that I thought was good. At the very least, I think, it encourages suspicion of my motives. I’m just not sure if that’s a good thing.

    While I understand the need for internet caution, and have never doubted that there are people who prey on women, I think it’s a disservice to suggest to women bloggers that any compliment from a male should be taken with a grain of salt.

    At the risk of being labeled a man who doth protest too strenuously, I would caution against going overboard and planting too many seeds of distrust. I have complimented fantastic writing by women. I have also struck up a couple of friendships with women bloggers, and I believe those friendships have been mutually beneficial.

    As a former professional in the writing business, I sometimes spot potential from a blogger who is not quite there yet, and sometimes these bloggers happen to be women. With a little encouragement, these bloggers might one day become excellent writers. Am I to not offer them encouragement and support merely because I’m a man whose motive for doing so is automatically suspect?

    It’s difficult to know what to do. Internet stalkers not only hurt their female victims, but there is also collateral damage to well-meaning men that should be considered.

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    • Ah, thank you so much for your visit and your thoughtful comment. I’d say there is a great deal of room between complimenting a writer for her/his work, spirit of work and even spirit of personality, but it gets kind of blurry when it starts in on the physical attributes as specifically this one did, and then to trend into the psyche levels of these women to indicate an almost savior complex to help them out of their personal issues and so on. It became clear he was using blogging as some sort of online dating service.

      I have established online friendships with both men and women through these various formats, but we have never steered it into the sexual realm. This could be fine if it’s mutual interest, and not in disrespect to a spouse, however, this man was married and as it happened, wrote lovingly and often about his fidelity to her. I don’t get the sense this is the same line of concern that you’re speaking to.

      And finally, I could not agree with you more that well-meaning men get caught up in the nets of suspicion because of these few predatorial types. This particular man was pretty well-known in some blogging circles and these stories definitely do put most of us on high alert. Again, however, I see plenty of room for complimentary interaction before it crosses uncomfortable or unnecessary lines.

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