Sometimes life has you re-visit the worst experiences of your existence. Maybe there’s something in them that needs refining or a new understanding. A friend’s post about a near-miss with a likely abuser found me in commiseration of that place, a truly surreal, soul-sucking misery.
I’ve been aware of all forms of abuse since growing up in a home built on them. Unfortunately, as an adult, I re-lived them in a couple of relationships. Even if you’re lucky enough to apply what you learned from those experiences, you can never really be certain that you won’t meet up with an even greater insidious player at any time in your life.
My last encounter came up against a well-practised talent for speaking to the heart of one’s fears, desires, and beliefs – a red-hot champion of all those things. In hindsight, despite his delight and proficiency in the game, I do believe he truly wanted to be those things for me then. I think he truly wanted an ‘honest us’, at least for a little while.
I think he wanted that not only because I came to him unexpectedly and from out of left field, but because I came from a place of the real deal, a genuinely open heart. I’d not shared in any of the usual repartee he indulged in where he normally scouted.
The world he had built for himself before meeting me was a cadre of women who were at various levels of need and were also quite willing to rationalize betrayals or were so lonely that any word of kindness was seized with the same frantic grasp for water in a parched desert.
However, by his standards they weren’t ‘true heart material’. One of the kinder things he said about them and given the history he detailed, I agreed readily and then some. It’s a numbers game for him, more than quality.
Still, regardless of how much he may have wanted it, it’s hard to maintain a wishful façade for any length of time and his began to crack within months. An ingrained habit of lying is impossible to hide from someone close over time. His resentment at being found out was too difficult to check indefinitely and so when it surfaced, it was cruel and of course, my fault. Our last month together was a stunning whirlwind of shock – from exceedingly gentle charm to baffling nightmare.
He wasn’t physically violent, but he became utterly ruthless in emotional and mental turmoil that included brutal name calling, ridiculing those same fears, desires and beliefs that he’d originally treasured, and complete dismissal of my every thought.
Because there wasn’t anything physical, it permitted him to wallow in complete denial of abuses. He said his lies, broken promises & lurid pursuits were cause for merely, “some hurt feelings”. To his mind, my angry responses were the real crime. He was the one really suffering in this and I was just so “wrong” about him, except for the fact every wrong was in plain and copyable typeset. He was thorough with his online chronicles.
I know this is about an ugly sickness as is, but there was more to come. Even as I strove to get away, concerned friends asked me to try to persuade him to seek help. I did try, because even when you should run like hell, when someone says help, most of us will try, especially for someone you’ve loved.
He only responded with more derision, blaming me for other distresses in his life that I had no part in: his financial situation, an illness, an apparent lack of concern for threats to his life. He continued by furiously and jealously insisting every man I had contact with only wanted to sleep with me, including professional counselors. Nearly every talk ended with him calling me vile names.
More vengeance included OK-ing one of his deceptive divas to taunt me, then he descended further, claiming my dead father was responsible for trying to kill him.
By this point, I knew I should’ve stayed gone the first time. On the other hand, I did act when I began to see the truth. I did pull away and stood up for myself without the self-doubt & castigation I would have once indulged to justify attempts to ‘save him’. This time I put me first.
Sometimes, the only way you can save yourself is to expose the rot and that was his only true Achilles heel. I swallowed my humiliation & spoke out – including to his cadre, and that was the one legitimate & unforgivable sin in his mind. That was when he declared himself, brokenhearted. “Strange kind of love you’ve got”, he said.
Cowardice hides its image in the dark; it needs to ooze its poison undercover. When this insanity was revealed, it opened the door to light, back to sane. I was freed, and he took nothing from me that I can’t get back.
He gutted me and broke my heart, but he didn’t close it. He may have discarded any value for me, but that love was real to me and it didn’t die the minute our life went off the rails. I will always hope that someday he’ll be helped toward the man I believed I was with. Maybe someday, all the stories he tells about himself will actually be true.
Mostly I wonder, if it will ever occur to him or them, that the only way to really protect your image is simply by living the way you want to be seen.
RL
If you need a place to read or talk about these issues in warm environments, try these lovely spaces: Deliberate Donkey or Better Not Broken
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Maybe he will turn into the man he wants to be seen as. Maybe he won’t. That is his journey, and for his sake I hope that he does learn in the end.
What amazes me is how you’ve metamorphosed into someone so beautiful because of what you went through – this suffering only made you stronger, and the person you are today is so much wiser than who you were when you left the first time. I’m happy to be here and to bear testimony to this.
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You made me cry Ana, and I wish I could tell you why… Just know that your words reached deeply and were so needed today… thank you, so much.
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You are a very good person, Robyn. He obviously did need help, but to try to help the one who is hurting you takes a very special person.
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Thanks very much, Trent. I appreciate that, especially because you really only feel more stupid about it all, if you’re met with failure on those attempts. It takes a little work to come around. Not sure I’m fully there yet.
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No need to feel stupid, the failure is all his. Yes, the heart can be foolish, but I’d much rather have a foolish heart than no heart at all! And a broken heart is better than an unbreakable heart of stone.
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“…that the only way to really protect your image is simply by living the way you want to be seen.” This is so simple and so true.
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Thank you, Dan. It seems the most significant things in life are its simplest. It’s too bad we make them so difficult. Nice to see you,,,
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Well done for surviving that Robyn. I’m so glad you did. No-one has the right to exert that much influence of someone else’s life. It’s a terrible abuse.
xxx Massive Hugs xxx
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Thank you, David. It was one of he most difficult experiences of my life, so painful, but I am so glad it is finally over. Hugs back.
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Thank you for the Deliberate Donkey mention.
I am glad you saved yourself from him, that you weren’t willing to sacrifice more of yourself than you already had. Words are powerful, but they cannot make a person someone contrary to their actions.
I’m not surprised he thought you had a strange kind of love. It seems he’s more used to women who only have love for him and not both love for him, as you had, and love for themselves, as you have.
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I think you have nailed the summary quite well, Melanie. And I’d very recently heard he is still surrounded by the married desperate and the lonely. I’m sure they all still believe too, that they are his one and only. I’m just so very glad to be out of that whole mess.
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So sorry to hear you had to go through all of that- I really want to honor you speaking out, taking care of yourself, and keeping your heart open which is an act of power in itself. Thank you for sharing with us your experience- I wouldn’t be surprised if you help at least one if not more who read this.
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Thank you, Diahann. It was quite an ordeal, and really even though you think you should know better and feel a little stupid because of that, I had at least learned that the shame and blame was not mine. No one makes anyone do those things. I had to write about it, not just because that’s how I process, but this whole site is in large part for my son. I want him to know the adversities as well as the triumphs and Lord, if this does help one woman, or even a man, in any way, that would be a 1000 blessings on top of everything. Thank you again, friend.
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I sometimes wonder what someone has to go through to become that sort of a person, who cannot take a step back from their actions and see that they may be causing harm to another.
I probably don’t want to know, tbh.
❤
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Yes, I do know what it takes, and it really is not good, but when you are old enough, you have to take over the healing and correcting for yourself. Some people just can’t get there… I think maybe that’s the saddest part of it all. Such a waste…
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“Mostly I wonder, if it will ever occur to him or them, that the only way to really protect your image is simply by living the way you want to be seen.”
Like you, my dear friend, this is both heartfelt and bittersweet simultaneously.
Well conveyed.
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You know what? I am going to take this comment as a really warm hug, which given the friggin’ grey rainy day we have right now, I could use. Thanks, Robert. 🙂
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My pleasure.
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Aw Hon. I avoided reading this one for a long time. It was hard enough to see what you were going through with everything then – I think you were the most broken down I’d ever seen you. I know how much you loved this guy, probably still do if I know you, which is more heartbreaking for people who love you. I really don’t know how anyone would have expected you to cope with this garbage too. No one who did what he did, does it without true mental health issues and I think he was leading you down the same dark path. You never deserved this, ever and he sure did not earn what he had. Some day this will all make sense. I will always keep you in my heart too.
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Thanks, S. and there’s no doubt I’ve never felt so confused by anyone either.You’d have never met someone who claimed to be everything you wanted in every detail more… I will admit I did go down a bit of crazy lane for awhile there and I’m not proud of that. Who wants to know their dreams are only smoke & mirrors and once again you’ve been a fool for love. I said and did everything I could for a very long time to see how much of any of it was real and I can say today that I honestly don’t know. And yes, I think I will be mulling this one over for the rest of my life. Thanks again, for your support in everything.
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